Have you ever heard someone ask the question “can’t you be civil?” Hopefully, you were the observer of this inquiry and not the target. I actually heard this phrase used several times when I was a kid and yes, sometimes it was directed at me and my brother. I knew what it meant when one of my parents fired it toward us. The message was “you two need to calm down, quick-acting like idiots, and treat each other better, with some respect”.
I do not think we hear that phrase used much anymore, but many of us are thinking it. Most likely we verbalize some version of that question when watching a video of people interacting badly. They cannot hear us. Yet as we rant and bicker among ourselves, it may sound like we are not being very civil.
When we are at an event or incident where words are sharp, tensions are high, and anguish abounds, maybe we should cry out “can’t you all be civil?” I wonder what would happen. We might be surprised if they would pause and think, then become calm and respectful. On the other hand, they may view our comment as an attack and believe we are entering the fray. Sadly, I think the second response has the highest probability of occurring.
Some form of intervention seems needed. How do we react in a civil way while conveying the basic message of “calm down, quick-acting like idiots, and show some respect”? Let’s break it into pieces.
We must do something to help quiet the situation. Our controlled demeanor could have a positive impact. A validation that we hear not only their content but the emotion behind it, might help. There are several effective techniques to convey our message of “we hear you”.
The “quit acting like idiots” might only require a phrase such as “this is getting us nowhere” or “little will be accomplished if we are going to yell and attack”. The right person, the appropriate time, and a select choice of words are the combinations that could work best.
Lastly, let’s remind them of the importance of respect and common ground. Everyone wants to be respected and there are always things we share. Will this work? I’m not sure.
What I do know is this, if we don’t start trying to challenge incivility, it will only get worse. It will take courage and tact. New forms of civil discourse are needed, yet the storm continues. Is there a balance of proactive and reactive strategies? Probably. It’s going to take a major effort to change how we interact in this country. I am willing to do my part. How about you?